Satan is Real.

Mom and Dad were both raised Catholic and Mom went to Catholic school, but they stopped going to church soon after I was born (“they’re all a bunch of hypocrites”) but when my brother and I were about 11 and 12, Mom had a fit of guilt or panic about raising her children to be godless heathens, and she sent us to communion classes at a nearby Catholic church.

One day, the teacher, who I think was a nun but maybe she was just dowdy and mean, was talking about what happens when you sin and she held up a picture of a devil face with an evil grin surrounded by flames, and said, “This is what Satan looks like!” I wasn’t scared, just uncomfortable and embarrassed. Later Mike and I told Mom about it, and we all laughed. After weeks of those classes, the priest told Mom that we weren’t ready for communion and would have to repeat the whole thing. Mom said fuck that — I’m paraphrasing; Mom could swear with the best of them, but never the F word — and that was the end of our Catholic career.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about that Satan face since Ratzinger died and now we have to endure two weeks of blather about how important he was. I never did believe in Satan but I came pretty close when he was the Pope. I was going to Google so I could share a list of his greatest hits of hate, but I don’t have the stomach for it. He was truly awful. They’re all pretty awful, but he stood out.

Imagine that grinning lizard face all red and orange surrounded by flames.

Please nobody lecture me about not saying bad things about bad people immediately after they die. My New Year’s resolution this year is to be more offensive.